When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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