I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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