I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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