we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
