i would punch a child for taco bell
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize