I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
