Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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