the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
