I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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