I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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