Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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