your parents love me but you hate me
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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