im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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