it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
