so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
