Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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