I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
