I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
being pregnant is like rehab
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
did i just pee glitter
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
