I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize