Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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