do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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