if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize