that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
