I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
