do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
