I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
