Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
