just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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