I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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