You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
