a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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