just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
