When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
