guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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