How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
