I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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