Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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