a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
