im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
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