What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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