R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
