I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
