I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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