I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
