I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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