I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
