I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Boobs are out for the taking
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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