the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
