sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
