your room smells of hookers.
And success
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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