Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
