you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
