I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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