we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
