when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I have post one night stand depression
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
