I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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