This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
