Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
