I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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