Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
