I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
