Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
