Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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