Plan B is the new Plan A
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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